Nineteen Empty Buckets

struggling against the elements

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I don’t have the words strong enough.

Or a hug long enough.

Or a look meaningful enough.

To convey just how grateful, overwhelmed and okay your friendship makes me feel.

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Sometimes all you need is a hug to make it seem worthwhile.

And it’s usually when there isn’t one to be had.

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I know I shouldn’t be this cold.

But it doesn’t matter what I do I can’t get warm.

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The thing I hate most about mental illness is how selfish it makes the sufferer.

I hate how it is not just the one with the diagnosis that suffers - they drain those around them, spreading thenposion of the diseases.

They exhaust their friends and family. The negativity a constant seep into their conversations and their attitude.

It makes them become a burdon. Too much to deal with.

It’s awful. And it’s selfish. Because nit matter how draing, and how negative a part of someone’s life you become because of mental illness, no matter how bad you feel for it, how guilty, how much you try to pull back - you need them. And you need them so much.

I hate this. I hate what I do to my friends, howni make them feel - helpless, drained, scared, worried - but I need them more than ever and try tonpull back but end up beeding them more.

I have become a burdon. And I don’t like it at all.

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Stumbling through the night

All around me the shadows creep closer

Fingers of darkest black and coldest ice

Scratch at the edges

Block out the light

Never ending fear

All arpund me the lonliness encroaches

Burdins to heavy to bear

Words of your past

Come back to haunt you here.

There’s no escape

From the darkness that creeps, the fear that seeps

There’s no hope

Of things being okay, or hoing back to yesterday

Theres only this

A place no one should be, a darkness in which you can’t see

How long do you keep stumbling?
How long do you fight?
How long do you call for help?
How long do you look for the light?
When do you stop?
When does it end?
What happens if it doesn’t?
Can I give in then?

Stumbling, scared, alone and lost.
Darkess creeps. Hope is lost.