Nineteen Empty Buckets

struggling against the elements

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I got this email last night that I apparently wrote to myself a year ago.

I’m still stuck in my desk job, even if I got a kind of promotion on Friday,  that I dislike immensely. 

I’m still struggling with my emotions, but I am genuinely working on that now with a psych, gp, medication and my amazingly supportive friends.

I’m not happy. But I dunno what changes I can make to fix it. I need my job to pay bills.

At least 2013 wasn’t as big of a disaster as 2012.

I’m feeling mixed emotions having read this.

I got this email last night that I apparently wrote to myself a year ago.

I’m still stuck in my desk job, even if I got a kind of promotion on Friday, that I dislike immensely.

I’m still struggling with my emotions, but I am genuinely working on that now with a psych, gp, medication and my amazingly supportive friends.

I’m not happy. But I dunno what changes I can make to fix it. I need my job to pay bills.

At least 2013 wasn’t as big of a disaster as 2012.

I’m feeling mixed emotions having read this.

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I feel empty and incomplete.

Like I’m never going to be whole or worth anything.

Perhaps it would be best if I could just fade away.

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Convinced at night that they come from all corners in the dark.

The ghosts come and haunt me.

Every sound is a threat. A trigger for anxiety. A trigger for complete fear.

I’m not safe in my own mind. I’m not safe in my own house.

I’m a prisoner of my own mind and insecurities. And there’s no escape.

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Feeling flat and blank.

I just need to get back to semi okay.


I just need to sleep.

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I’m exhausted.

I can’t function. 

I can’t think straight.

I can’t function.

I can’t be a good friend because my exhaustion is clouding every thought. Every conversation loops back round to my exhausted semi-not-okay state. 

I don’t want it to always be about me though. I don’t want it to be about me even half the time.

I wish i could shake it, I wish it wasn’t constantly there, clouding my judgement, blocking my filter, inhibiting me as a functioning person.

I just want to be okay.

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For someone to give you this support - it’s overwhelming and the most hopeful gift they can give you.

For someone to give you this support - it’s overwhelming and the most hopeful gift they can give you.