Nineteen Empty Buckets

struggling against the elements

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Feeling completely disconnected from everything at the moment.  Like I’m someone reading a book of mt story, or watching someone else act it out in a play.

I dont feel like me. And I feel like I’m walking around in a daze, the world around me is fake and not real.

Feeling completely disconnected from everything at the moment. Like I’m someone reading a book of mt story, or watching someone else act it out in a play.

I dont feel like me. And I feel like I’m walking around in a daze, the world around me is fake and not real.

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When your calls for help, your honest admissions of struggle, go unheeded - it’s prettu clear the struggle is not one you were meant to win. You’re a failure God never meant to exist.

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Slipping.

Drowning.

Falling and out of control.

All my energy going to not downing the numb feeling. Not falling into the old trap I worked so hard to free myself from.

Not sure I can though. Not sure it’s worth the fight.

Need to distance myself from my friends.

Need to not hurt them. To not drag them under with me.

Not sure where to turn but old comforts beckon.

Strength to resist is fading.

Falling.

Drowning.

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I amount to nothing.

This existence is pointless.

I’m not sure it’s worth getting up any more.

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The hardest thing in the world is knowing that you are a cause of stress and concern for your friends.

I don’t want to worry them.

I hate how hard this is on them.

I hate how depression and anxiety leaks into everything in my life and taints all the aspects of it.

It darkens the edges of every relationship, pushing it’s way into the smallest cracks and expanding them into crevices and rivets that the poison everything.

I hate that I am a dark stain in everyones lives.

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When getting put of bed every day is the biggest struggle ….

You know you’re failing.

When you know you’re taking up to much if your friends time and patience ….

You know you’re letting them down.


When there’s no energy left for one foot in front of another ….

You know you’re not worth it.

When it’s all so useless and hopeless and nothing seems to make it better ….
You know it’s time.

I just need to hidr and to run and I hate that that’s my only solution.