Sometimes. Sometimes I think of dying. And decide dying isn’t what I want. I just don’t want to exist.
struggling against the elements
I’m feeling like everything I do is failing around me. Like I can’t grasp on to anything. And I am slipping.
I can’t slip. I have to be strong. Everyone needs me to be strong.
Hating yourself with such an intensive passion you make yourself physically sick.
It’s Strange
It’s strange how as soon as you get your life on track and settled everyone’s life around you falls to pieces.
I’ve had a week of ambulances, drs, CAT teams, and stress - none of which have been for me but for friends and family around me.
I’ve had people try to kill them selves, people having episodes, people just losing it or being really badly hurt and sick.
And I don’t have the answers for any of them.
I can sit beside them in am Ambulance and hold their hand.
I can be calm and be steady while they need me to be.
I can have faith that they are all worth the effort.
I can conceal from each of them everything else tht is going on and I am dealing with.
But I can’t give them the solutions or answers they are looking for and that is such a hard and difficult thing to come to terms with.
The hardest thing in dealing with all of this - is knowing I am able to support everyone else but the people I rely on for support are noticeably missing from my life. And knowing I have no one to blame but myself.
I don’t require answers. I don’t require talking. I don’t require an immense amount of effort or time.
I just need a friend or two who is not so up and down.
Someone consistent.
I’ve only ever fully trusted two people in my life. One of them I pushed away and the other just disappears regularly And neither of them are there or responding to my pathetic call for companionship at the moment.
I just need a friend. Someone t come and drink tea with me and eat scones and watch a movie - I dunno.
I’m tired. And Exhausted. And lonely.
This is wrong. We can’t.
My Thoughts on Gay Marriage.
I think it’s time I explained my thoughts on the issue of Australia and it’s continued discrimination against the gay, lesbian bi and transgender community. The fact that we, as a nation, should be ashamed to live in a country where we continue to deny the right of two people to legalise their love in matrimony. That two peoples love is equal - no matter the age, race or gender.
In my mind discrimination has zero tolerance. I don’t care if you are black, white or green. Fully abled or mentally/physically challenged. Young or old. Male or female. Gay or straight. These are the differences we are born with – but essentially, we are all human. We all have the same basic wants and needs. We all need to eat, sleep and shower. We all need to have friends and laugh. We all need, and have the right, to love.
I don’t believe it is any one person’s right, or a government’s right, or any religions right to tell someone their love is not equal to the love that they share between themselves and their partner. I’m sorry – but who are you? Who are you to belittle the love – a good and honest thing – between to people because it differs slightly from your own? What exactly about it makes it less? Makes it ‘dirty’? Or makes it not worthy of your respect? Does it affect the people who oppose it so vehemently in any way? No. Other then they have to spend a lot of time and energy opposing and feeling ‘disgusted’ and indignant that two people can love each other. Time they could surely be spending more productively and usefully elsewhere.
Once upon a time there were laws banning inter-race religions. If you were a black man and married a white woman – or even just loved a white woman – you could be killed. That love was seen as offensive, dirty, not real or equal to a white man and woman’s love. We look back on this today and know how ridiculous and awful that stance was. We are ashamed that that is part of modern civilisation’s history. And yet. We stand here today continuing to deny and vindicate against two peoples love.
Someone’s gender does not reduce their capacity or the honesty of their love. I have many friends who are in long term relationships. Some of these are straight and some are gay. I have many friends who play around and go through multiple relationships in a fortnight. Once again, some are straight, some are gay. But there is no difference in their love.
There are two friends I have in particular. I can see their love for each other is huge. It’s in their eyes and voices. It’s in the way they interact. They have so much respect, concern, understanding and care for one another it’s amazing. They’ve been through bumpy sections and they’ve come out the other side. They’ve committed to spending the rest of their lives together. And yet – Australia refuses to recognise that as being good enough. Or equal. Or worth that piece of paper and legislation.
I don’t understand and it astounds me. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair.
Last night I was terrified.
I was terrified that I would lose a friend who has been there through my worst times and stuck by me.
One of my friends deliberately took to many painkillers in an attempt at an overdose. An ambulance, medication, and a sleepless night later she is back home and feeling physically better but I am still so worried.
Have I been so caught up in my own world I haven’t noticed the warning signs? Did she feel like she couldn’t let me know she was struggling because of that? I was around this time to get her to the hospital - but will I be next time?
I am such a mix of emotions. Deep set concern and worry for her well being - physical and mental. Anger and frustration at the stupidity she had to try such a thing. Confusion as to why. Hurt and guilt because she didn’t feel like she could let me know she is struggling. Relief because she is alive and now going to get the help she needs.
On top of that - these emotions are doubled as I direct them at myself. A little over 12 months ago it was me feeling that low. And I who decided it was time to go from this world. How could I be so unfair to those who do care? Why did I feel like that was a solution? Thankful people cared enough to get me the help and love I needed to get through it.
I feel selfish for allowing her mental health and well being to be such an eye opening and release of a flood of regret and remorse for my own.
And I feel guilty and worried - I can’t even fix myself. How can I help her fix herself?
You can’t calm the storm.. so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.
Three-Six-Five
Positivity - one day at a time.
I’m setting myself a challenge. I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately being positive and sinking slowly into an abyss of negativity.
I’m to busy noticing and remembering the bad stuff to stop and see the good stuff.
So. For the next 365 days I am going to notice the good stuff and share it with the world as I go along. Maybe my journey can hep someone else - who knows?
Some days it may not even be big things, it may just be the fact I am thankful for potatoes … but it’s a journey, and it’s a challenge, and I think it may just be what I, and a lot of the world, need.
A little positivity could go a long way.
